DEAR ASK A THERAPIST: My husband and I just told our son (26) and daughter (24) they were donor conceived. We explained we were counseled by many medical/psychology experts not to reveal the truth, which is why they’re only now learning the truth. While they handled the news very well, my daughter is angry we waited so long to tell them. She is very concerned about the potential of past or present relationships with someone who could be related because the number of siblings we’ve discovered through a donor-conceived-person network is astounding. Telling her the odds of this are low isn’t much consolation.
We continue to apologize and encourage them to process their feelings but I think we should get family counseling. Are there resources available to help us find counselors with donor conception experience, especially those who work with families with adult children? – RECIPIENT PARENT
DEAR RECIPIENT PARENT:
Thank you for sharing your reflections and concerns so thoughtfully. I appreciate the courage it took for you to disclose to your adult children, and the openness you’re showing now in navigating the emotional aftermath.
Your daughter’s anger and concern in response to the late disclosure are understandable. What may feel “logical” to you—like seeing the odds of a relationship with a half sibling as statistically low—can land differently for her. There is immense overwhelm and uncertainty in the discovery of potential donor siblings, and we know that very large sibling groups exist. It can be difficult to process what that means for romantic relationships (past and present) and it greatly shifts one’s sense of groundedness in the world. Your daughter probably has many racing thoughts and questions and few resources to help make sense of the experience. Reassurance about risk may not fully address the deeper issues of identity, trust, belonging, autonomy, and safety. What is more important now is your validation, patience, and consistency as both of your adult children continue to navigate this shift in identity and self-understanding.
Know that this process looks different for everyone. There is grief, there can be anger, sometimes relief or a sense of understanding—and it may all ebb and flow. There is no ‘normal’ response to late discovery.
Family therapy is a great idea, but I would encourage you to be flexible here, too! If your adult children aren’t up for doing therapy together right now, there are other resources available to you. You and your husband would benefit from working with a donor conceived person (DCP) or a donor conceived competent therapist to gain understanding about the DCP perspective, and your children may want to seek the same kind of support individually. I strongly recommend a counselor or coach who has experience in donor conception and trauma/attachment dynamics. It might also be helpful for your daughter to connect with other DCP, and for you to connect with other recipient parents. As a start, there are some online groups that I would recommend for this.
Some resources to consider:
- We Are Donor Conceived Facebook group for your adult children (only open to DCP)
- Donor Conceived Best Practices and Connections Facebook group for anyone in the family (open to DCP, recipient parents, donors)
- MPE Counseling Database (a directory of mental health professionals and coaches across the US who specialize in misattributed parentage, donor conception, and/or adoption)
We recommend the following for finding a DCP informed therapist:
1. Contact the USDCC mental health team for a referral.
2. Conduct your own search. Consider the following:
- Use keywords like ‘donor conceived’ ‘DCP’ ‘donor conception’
- Look for therapists who highlight continued learning through research, education, or consultation, or those with lived experience.
- You have the right to ask a therapist questions to gauge if they are a good fit! Inquire about their approach, understanding of attachment, experience working with parents and/or families, lived experience, and relevant reading or training.
- Be cautious of invalidating or misinformed language from therapists. This can include language that dismisses the complexity of donor conceived experiences or assumes a solely positive narrative. There is great potential for harm, particularly for your adult children. These types of statements can invalidate identity exploration, grief, or relational experiences connected to donor conception, and it is essential that you all feel safe and supported in the therapeutic process.
Best of luck as you find support, and we are always here if other questions or concerns arise.
Caitlin Day, MSW, LSW (she/her), Caitlin received her Master’s of Social Work at The Ohio State University, and has spent the last seven years in direct care, supporting individuals and families through family separation, foster care, and adoption. Caitlin is a donor conceived person, and after connecting with many half siblings in 2023, began expanding her work to include support and advocacy for donor-conceived people and their families. Caitlin is passionate about integrating attachment-focused and trauma-informed care to support our population.
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