DEAR ASK A THERAPIST: I am a single mom by choice to-be who is looking for an ID release sperm donor. I’ve found a really great match that ticks all of the boxes but the profile doesn’t have audio or any pictures (child or adult). Generally, the profile has less information overall than ones from other sperm banks. The medical information is equally complete compared to the others. It’s mainly the interviewer’s notes, personal statements, and information about education that are less detailed. I originally went into this hoping to provide my future child with as much information about the donor as possible. Do you have recommendations for how to prioritize donor information availability vs. the donor matching characteristics I’m looking for? Will my child feel put out by not being able to look up what the donor looks like until they get the donor’s full name? – RECIPIENT PARENT
DEAR RECIPIENT PARENT:
Your desire to have as much information about your donor as possible is generally a positive one, and this question is one that many prospective parents via donor conception struggle with.
All aspects of a profile may be desirable, or necessary, for a donor conceived person to have. Unfortunately, it’s impossible to tell what, or how much, information a child may want, or need, from a medical to socioemotional standpoint. Some donor conceived people (DPC) have little to no interest in knowing anything about, or meeting, the donor. Others devour every minute detail; analyze tone, punctuation, personality, and handwriting (pre-electronic profile days); and spend copious amounts of time creating a narrative of what this person is like.
The information provided in the profile you are considering may seem insufficient to a child, or teenager, who is seeking information about their other biological parent. Your child may have future medical needs, major or minor, that would benefit from ongoing updates to the donor’s medical history, which you are unlikely to receive from the sperm bank.
ID Release at 18 suggests that the donor is currently agreeable to release their identity when their genetic child turns 18. It is not a guarantee that your child will be able to have contact with the donor when they turn 18. Donors’ lives, minds, family structure, and medical history can change a lot over 18 years.
Eighteen years is a long time for a child, or teen, to find out the identity of their genetic parent. This might be especially difficult as they go through the identity formation stage of development in their teens.
While ID Release at 18 is a preferred option over a non-ID Release at 18 donor, it isn’t the only option for conception as a single mother by choice (SMBC). Some SMBC opt to conceive with sperm provided by someone already in their social circle (e.g., friend, friend of a friend, family member) or to match directly with a donor through a matching program, where the donor’s ID and direct communication is established from the time of matching. These two options would give your potential child the option to know the donor throughout their lives and maintain direct communication about medical updates between parties.
In all honesty, no matter how complete the profile seems, there’s no way to know what may be more important to a potential child, and the desire for more information about the donor may change and evolve over time.
When analyzing any profile, or potential donor match, you might consider asking yourself the following questions:
Did they answer the questions with care, detail, and attention?
Does the amount of detail in their medical history, and response to open-ended questions, suggest that they have shared their donation status with family/friends and that they have support?
Does their profile exude kindness?
Does this person seem like someone you would like to have a relationship with?
Does this person seem like someone you would feel comfortable with your child having a relationship with?
Are they open to having a relationship with your family in the future?
If it is an important consideration for your family culture and may be important for the DCP: Does the donor share racial, cultural, and/or religious background with our family?
With the accessibility of direct-to-consumer DNA testing, the internet, and social media, it’s easier to connect with donors and siblings, even before children turn 18. While it’s not guaranteed, you can expect that you and your children will be in touch with your donor at some point in your lives. I think that one of the most important questions you can ask yourself, when selecting the person who is going to be the genetic parent of your child, is: Do they seem like a good person?
This question is important because I believe that any child meeting a biological parent for the first time would like to be met with interest, acceptance, love, and kindness. In the words of Dennis Prager, “Goodness is about character – integrity, honesty, kindness, generosity, moral courage, and the like. More than anything else, it is about how we treat other people.”
Emily Derrick, LMFT, is a reproductive therapist, supporting all members of third-party gamete donation constellations in California. She is a wife and mom of two, as well as a gestational carrier of one for two dads via known donation, and genetic mom of approximately six children via egg donation. Emily donated eggs via matched cycles to opposite-sex and same-sex couples, and a single mother by choice, and has contact with one family. Formerly a director and case manager at an egg donation and surrogacy agency, Emily’s varied personal and professional experience provides unique background as her clients guide her on their own journey of exploration. Emily is a member of the ASRM Mental Health Professional Group, SEEDS, and the DCC Professional Group.
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