DEAR ASK A THERAPIST: I need help telling my child she was conceived from an egg donor. She is 8 years old. Do you know where I can find therapists that specialize in something like this? – RECIPIENT PARENT
DEAR RECIPIENT PARENT:
First off, thank you for asking this. At eight-years-old, your daughter is old enough to understand simple ideas about biology and family, and young enough to weave this truth naturally into her story of who she is. The goal isn’t to make it a big reveal, but to gently fold this part of her story into what she already knows about how your family came to be.
You might try something like: “When we wanted to have you, my body needed a little help to make an egg, so another woman donated one to me, and I carried you in my belly. From the very beginning, I was so excited to meet you and love you.”
That’s really all it needs to be: simple, loving, and true!
Children who grow up knowing their donor conceived story early on tend to feel secure and curious rather than confused. When that information comes out later or by accident, it can sometimes feel like a rupture of trust. But when it’s shared early, with openness and warmth, it usually builds connection and confidence instead.
If your daughter doesn’t have many questions right away, that’s okay! Kids process big things in layers. You’ve already done the hardest part by opening the door. That said, this is not a one-time conversation and will be a topic you will want to bring up intermittently to see if she has any questions or feelings about what you shared, as children often do not know how to put questions or feelings into words.. This way, you can keep that door open and make sure she knows her story is always safe to talk about.
When it comes to finding a therapist, look for someone who understands both family dynamics and the unique experiences of donor conceived families. USDCC includes therapists familiar with this work on our resources page, and the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM) also has a directory of reproductive mental health professionals. When you reach out, you might ask:
“Have you worked with parents talking with kids about donor conception before?”
“How do you support parents around these conversations?”
This isn’t a one-time talk; it’s a lifelong conversation built on love, truth, and trust. You don’t have to get it perfect; you just have to stay present and open. The fact that you’re leading with honesty means you’re already doing the most important thing.
Kat Boldt, LPC (she/her), Kat Boldt, LPC, (she/her), is a donor conceived person who completed her Master’s in Mental Health Counseling at Northwestern University in 2024. Initially studying Biomedical Engineering at Case Western Reserve University, Kat discovered her passion for mental health and shifted her career toward counseling. Now practicing at Cleveland Sex & Intimacy Counseling, Kat is committed to providing affirming care to adult clients dealing with issues related to sexuality, gender identity, and reproductive technologies, including donor conception.
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