DEAR ASK A THERAPIST: I was raised by a heterosexual couple and learned in adulthood through a home DNA kit that I was conceived using an anonymous sperm donor. Only my parents and myself know. It was a family secret and they want it kept that way.
Though I was able to find out who the donor is, I have not been able to get in contact with him or his family after multiple attempts to reach out. This has complicated my own plans to become a single mother by choice using a sperm donor and I have put my plans for conception on hold. Now if I move forward, not only will my child not know their father, but they will not have a genetic relationship with their social grandfather. My mom’s side of the family is estranged so there will be no genetic connections there. The only extended family my child will ever know is my dad’s side of the family and I am heartbroken that they’ll know they are not genetically related.
Now I don’t know if my plans to have a child will be fair to them when they will have so few genetic connections. Should I give up? – DONOR CONCEIVED PERSON
DEAR DONOR CONCEIVED PERSON:
It seems like having relationships with genetic family is important to you, and you can see how valuable it may be for a potential child. There are a few different options for single mothers by choice (SMBC) to conceive with donor sperm:
Nonidentified Donors: A donor’s identity will never be released by the bank. This is moving out of favor with a trend towards using the other donor types below.
ID Release: The current “go-to” option for most. At the time of donation, the donors agree to have their identity released to those conceived with their sperm, at age 18. Most consider this the “minimum standard,” but there are still many drawbacks to this option.
Matched Donor: An agency, or consultant, matches donors with recipient/intended parents, similarly to how surrogate matches are made. Both parties meet and agree on the parameters of the match and future contact, facilitated by an organization, company or group.
Identified/Known Donors: These donors are those with whom you already have a connection (e.g., friend, sister’s husband), or with whom you match with independently (e.g., friend of a friend).
As you can see, varying levels of connections can be made with donors from the options above. It is possible that you can match or connect with a donor with whom you have a lasting connection and relationship, offering a child access to more genetic relatives and reliable medical updates, without fears of bank closures, record destruction, or the possibility of an ID Release donor changing their mind in the future.
If you decide to pursue the more accessible ID Release option, it is possible that you may be able to find and make contact with the donor when this potential child is still a child, as some donors state in their profiles that they are open to meeting earlier. There is also the possibility of identifying donors using direct-to-consumer DNA testing and/or reverse image searches on the internet. However it is not guaranteed that you’ll be able to find the donor, nor that you will be able to establish a connection, like you’ve run into yourself.
There are ways that you can facilitate meaningful connections within the donor conceived community, genetic and otherwise. Some banks have programs where families who conceive with the same donor can connect with each other and create lasting relationships. Many donor conceived people prefer to make connections with siblings over the donor. To connect with others, especially siblings with whom you have this shared experience and genetic mirroring, can be meaningful for a donor conceived person (DCP). It may also be possible for your child to connect with non-sibling DCP through support groups, organizations, mom/parent social circles, etc.
Lastly, your late discovery experience doesn’t have to be your child’s. The current best practice is for children to have always known that they are donor conceived, and to talk about it regularly. There will be plenty of opportunities to have conversations about this over the course of your lives. Being open to discussing this topic will help reduce the stigma of donor conception, normalize your child’s experience, and create a safe space to feel, think and talk about their conception story, connections, and concerns. You certainly don’t have to give up! But you may want to spend more time considering what conception option may be best for you and your family.
Emily Derrick, LFMT is a licensed marriage and family therapist specializing in psychoeducation and talk therapy for intended parents prior to third party conception in CA and NJ. She is also a gestational carrier and bio mom via egg donation who has connected with two families who conceived with her eggs. She is an advocate for DCP, donors, and the LGBTQ community.
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