I have a question about how to connect to another donor sibling family if the other family has yet to share with their preschool-aged child that they are donor conceived. The mother is shocked that I have told my six-year-old child they are donor conceived. In a recent chat, she told me that six is ‘too early’ and that her family advised her not to say anything. I get that it’s cultural (mom is SMC from a culture that values genetic lineage). What bugs me is this tradition is historically/traditionally based on the male line. She has not mentioned whether her child has asked about a dad/where ‘Daddy’ is. If she says he ran away, what would the child think of adult men? If she says she did something bad (i.e. one night stand/they both got drunk, what does that say about consent and responsibility)? Thank you.
Dear Parent:
First, I want to commend you on the steps you are taking to support your child in their relationship with an identified donor sibling. These early steps are often the most fraught and vulnerable, and we often hear from DCP who deeply value the efforts their parents made early in their lives to foster connection and openness.
One of the things that makes early contact vulnerable and fraught is that parents must navigate other people’s parenting choices. In some ways this is commonplace: your child’s best friend’s parents limit sweets, whereas you have shunned food rules and allow unfettered access to sweets. What do you do when playing at the park and the ice cream truck rolls up? You are in a bind.
In this example, you might prioritize the children’s relationship, and your long-term goal of friendship with this other family, and find a graceful way to decline the ice cream in consideration of the other parent’s values and parenting choices. Or, you could choose to prioritize the ice cream, which may injure the friendship.
The situation here is similar. As an informed parent, you understand the consequences of choosing secrecy, and you know that for your child, and for your family, you are going to protect openness. However, the family you have connected with is approaching their donor conception differently, with a lens shaped by their own unique culture, lived experience, and parenting values. Challenge exists because your values and decision-making are not aligned. It can be difficult to find a path that honors your parenting values without undermining theirs.
Please remember that parenting choices, experiences, and decision-making are highly dynamic and they do change over time. This means that we are playing a long game, and our priorities should reflect our future goals. In this case, just as with the ice cream scenario, I would encourage prioritizing the relationship over the in the moment challenge.
An example of a response that prioritizes relationship might look like the following:
“What an amazing opportunity we have to be connected this early! It seems we may be making different choices about the way we talk about how our kids were conceived and their connection to one another. I understand that parents might choose to handle these things differently, and I will never judge or undermine the choices you are making for your family. We are just grateful that you are willing to have this communication and openness with us. Let’s keep conversations going, and decide how to handle this when we introduce the kids, or when they begin to have contact with one another. Until then, we can pace this in any manner you wish.”
Here, you’ve protected the relationship. In soft and subtle ways, you are acknowledging the differences in strategy without overwhelming the other parent with information that might cause that parent to shut down and cut contact. You are modeling openness, acceptance, resilience and emotional safety. And, you have not agreed to change, nor have you conceded any of your own parenting choices.
This type of response may feel like it misses opportunities to educate and betrays best practices. However, without trust and safety, it is unlikely that another parent will be able to receive the education and support you wish to offer. By focusing on building the rapport first, you are paving the way to becoming someone this parent can trust and reach out to for support and advice. That is likely to have a tremendous value to your kids in the future.
Elizabeth Reisin, MHP (she/her)
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